I recently read an opinion article on child abuse which discussed various aspects of the issue, including its causes and effects. The article would have been a typical read, but the author's treatment of parental alienation was particularly noteworthy. According to the author, some parents accused of child abuse deny the allegations and instead claim that the accusations are part of parental alienation. The author then goes on to assert that the "theory of parental alienation" is controversial and was developed by questionable individuals.
Before delving into the debate over whether parental alienation is just a theory or a reality, it's important to first define this phenomenon. Essentially, parental alienation involves one parent (known as the alienating parent) deliberately encouraging a child to reject, demean, and vilify the other parent (the target parent; Harman et al., 2018; Kruk, 2018; Sheehy & Lapierre, 2020). Typically, the alienating parent engage in behaviors aimed at harming or severing the relationship between the child and the targeted parent. (Harman et al., 2018). However, the impact of parental alienation extends beyond just the targeted parent. In fact, it often results in animosity and rejection toward the entire extended family of the targeted parent, including grandparents (Avieli & Levy, 2022; Gair, 2017; Kaganas & Piper, 2020; Sims, 2014).
However, acknowledging the existence of parental alienation does not diminish the reality and gravity of child abuse. Child abuse is a serious problem that demands investigation, and the protection of the child is paramount. Yet it's important to recognize that not all allegations of abuse are true and some may be part of the parental alienation process. Even in cases of actual abuse, children often still yearn for a relationship with their abusive parents. On the other hand, children who were not abused and do not wish to have any contact with their parents or grandparents may indeed be victims of parental alienation.
As a researcher, I must acknowledge that I am not an entirely objective observer. In my research on parental alienation, I have interviewed both target parents and their elderly parents (i.e., grandparents) who have experienced parental alienation. In my career, I have also interviewed victims of rape and domestic violence, but I have never encountered such profound pain and anguish among participants as I did in my conversations with victims of parental alienation. While victims of domestic abuse and rape often describe traumatic experiences, their trauma is typically confined to the past. However, victims of parental alienation are subjected to ongoing victimization. Their suffering began prior to our interviews, continued during them, and persisted long after they ended. As long as they are unable to see their children, they remain trapped in a cycle of victimization.
My study took a qualitative approach, and objectivity was not a primary concern. However, even if it had been, I'm not sure I could have remained fully impartial. As a parent myself, I can empathize with the participants in my study who have been denied access to their children. One mother I spoke with recounted leaving her abusive husband at the advice of her social worker, due to the level of danger involved. Her decision to leave gave her husband an excuse to tell the children that their mother left them. Four years after leaving, she had not seen her son once. At the end of our interview, she confided that had she known she would never see her son again, she would have stayed with her abuser, just to be with her children. Her agony was palpable, and the tears she shed were heart-wrenching.
Parental alienation is not limited to the childhood years; it can persist well into adulthood. I recall speaking to a father who was forced to watch his daughter's wedding from outside the garden where it was held, along with his family. They were not permitted to enter the venue and had to remain on the street. Afterwards, they went home to celebrate the wedding they were excluded from. This father told me that he never locks his door, hoping that his daughters will come visit him one day.
After conducting these interviews, I often found myself sitting in my car unable to drive. Some of the stories were so heartbreaking that I couldn't help but cry. As a researcher, I have found it challenging to publish our findings. Reviewers who read our manuscript didn't question our methodology or findings. However, some reviewers suggested no to publishing our research on parental alienation due to fact that there is still disagreement about whether parental alienation even exists. For a while, I wasn't sure if we would ever be able to publish our findings on the suffering of victims of parental alienation
I hope that as you read this blog, you take a moment to imagine how you would feel if you were unable to see your children, grandchildren, or loved ones. It is only then that you may begin to understand the immense pain and trauma that parents and grandparents experiencing parental alienation endure. As a society, we must take a stand against parental alienation. To answer the question posed in the title of this blog, it is clear that parental alienation is not just a theory - it is a painful and tragic reality.
References:
Avieli, H., & Levy, I. (2022). “I feel erased:” A qualitative analysis of grandparent experiences of parental alienation.Family Relations. https://doi.org/10.1111/fare.12704
Gair, S. (2017). Missing Grandchildren: Grandparents’ Lost Contact and Implications for Social Work. Australian Social Work, 70(3), 263–275. https://doi.org/10.1080/0312407X.2016.1173714
Harman, J. J., Kruk, E., & Hines, D. A. (2018). Parental alienating behaviors: An unacknowledged form of family violence. Psychological Bulletin, 144(12), 1275–1299. https://doi.org/10.1037/bul0000175
Kaganas, F., & Piper, C. (2020). Grandparent contact: Another presumption? Journal of Social Welfare and Family Law, 42(2), 176–203. https://doi.org/10.1080/09649069.2020.1751932
Kruk, E. (2018). Parental alienation as a form of emotional child abuse: Current state of knowledge and future directions for research. 22(4), 141–164.
Margaret Sims, M. R. (2014). Grandparents with Little or No Contact with Grandchildren-Impact on Grandparents. Journal of Aging Science, 02(01). https://doi.org/10.4172/2329-8847.1000117
Sheehy, E., & Lapierre, S. (2020). Introduction to the special issue. Journal of Social Welfare and Family Law, 42(1), 1–4. https://doi.org/10.1080/09649069.2020.1702409